BREAKING: Florida Lawmakers Vote to Return Pi (π) to Its “Biblical” Value

Reported by April Holliday (AP Newswire)

Kennedy Space Center -- NASA engineers and mathematicians in this high-tech community are stunned and infuriated after learning the Florida state legislature in Tallahassee overwhelmingly passed a law yesterday [March 30, 2008] redefining the value of pi (π), a mathematical constant used in the aerospace industry.

The bill to change the value of pi to what some contend is its "biblical" value of exactly three (3.00000) was introduced without fanfare by a John McCain supporter, Sen. Iza Lou Zerr (R-Sarasota).  It rapidly gained support after a letter-writing campaign spearheaded by Rep. Lance A. Boyle (R-Boca Raton) who is also a member of the Let’s Get Back to the Bible Society, a radical right-wing religious group who believes the 3.00000 value is based on scriptures.

Republican Governor, Charlie Crist, reported he will most definitely sign it into law on Wednesday saying, "We all have to always believe that what’s in the Bible is the Gospel truth."

The law took the state's professionally trained scientific, mathematical and engineering communities by surprise.  "There was absolutely no warning at all this was about to happen," Oliver Sudden, Chief Aerospace Engineer at Kennedy Space Center said.

"Anyone who is fair and balanced would have to agree that they should have consulted with someone who actually uses pi – because I can guarantee you that these religious zealots who continuously try to force their views on all aspects of daily life will live to regret it" Rudy Daye, head of Computer Programming at Kennedy Space Center, angrily added.

According to Daye, pi is a Greek letter derived from Euclidean geometry that signifies the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter and is often used by engineers to calculate rocket trajectories.

When informed of the change in pi to a "biblical" value, University of Florida geometry professor Shirley U. Jest exclaimed, "You’ve got to be kidding me!"  Prof. Jest said that pi is a universal constant, and cannot arbitrarily be changed by lawmakers on a whim.

Prof. Jest further explained that pi is an irrational number, which means that it has an infinite number of digits after the decimal point and can never be known exactly.  Nevertheless, she said, pi is precisely defined by mathematics to be "3.14159, plus as many more digits as you have time to calculate".

"I think that it is the mathematicians that are being irrational, and it is time for them to admit it," argued Rep. Lance A. Boyle.  "The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the altar font of Solomon's Temple was ten cubits in diameter and thirty cubits in circumference, and that it was round in compass.  There’s your 3.00000 value – straight from scriptures."

Sen. Iza Lou Zerr also called into question the usefulness of any number that cannot be calculated exactly, and suggested that never knowing the exact answer would harm students' self-esteem.  "We need to return to some absolute values based on the Bible in our society," he said.  "The Bible does not say that the font was ‘thirty-something’ cubits.  It clearly says thirty cubits.  Period."

Attorney Joe Mamma, of the law firm Dewey, Fleecem and Howe who represent the Society, testified in support of the bill before the legislature in Tallahassee on Monday opining, "Pi is merely an artifact of geometry.  There are other geometries, and pi is different in every one of them.  This isn’t rocket science, you know," concluded Joe Mamma.

Professionals from the education community are concerned that the legislation will adversely affect the way math is taught to Florida’s children.

But one member of the Florida State School Board who is a strong supporter of home schooling based on "Christian values", Lois Dee Nominator, is anxious to get the new value of pi into Florida’s math textbooks.

She would, however, consider a compromise allowing the old value based on math and scientific principle to be retained as an alternative saying, "As far as I am concerned, the value of pi is only a theory, and we should be open to all interpretations."  She looks forward to students having the freedom to decide for themselves what value pi should have.

Many experts are warning that this is just the beginning of a national battle over pi between faith-based supporters and professionals in the scientific and education communities.  Let’s Get Back to the Bible member Malcolm Tent agrees: "We’re ready to do battle.  We just want to return pi to what we believe is its biblical value," he said.  "And this, according to scriptures, is three."

NOTE: Reprised and revised from a newsletter by "New Mexicans for Science and Reason" published a decade ago – and rated as one of the top April Fool’s Day hoaxes of all time.